Subtitles by explosiveskull
WOMAN: What the fuck was that Joe?
JOE: Uh, hello, hello Jamie.
What was what?
The boats weren't good?
JAMIE: You set it all up didn't you Joe?
It wasn't funny.
JOE: Well I didn't,
Jan set everything up but,
those boats are fine, what's the deal?
JAMIE: No I'm not talking about the fucking boat,
what were the lights and was the creep in the alien suit?
JOE: What?
JAMIE: Why would they bring us the cameras
we left on the boat unless you told them to?
JOE: Wait, who are they?
Seriously is this a joke?
(SOBBING)
Jamie.
Jamie are you guys okay?
JAMIE: No, we aren't fucking okay.
(MYSTERIOUS UPBEAT MUSIC)
I'm standing in front of what might be
America's largest pyramid.
A modern marvel.
Based on the great pyramids of ancient Egypt.
Ancient astronaut theorist believe that
this structure is of alien origin.
The top points directly into the sky.
Calling, beckoning to another spirit.
The human hybrid creatures that protect it
clearly from another world.
Stay tuned as we discover the brilliance
of alien
engineers.
Great, cut.
How'd that look?
MAN: Go in the right lane.
I'm on my way to speak with an expert on Area 51.
As a former CIA specialist,
he worked on the secret government base
during the height of the cold war.
He will surely give us some incredible insight
into extraterrestrial engineering.
MAN: Turn right on to south Gibson Road.
Got it.
You can get marijuana cards here.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hi.
I'm Bjorn.
- I'm T.D., come in. - Oh thank you.
Oh this is incredible.
Well thank you, sir.
This is an incredible home.
Is this live.
An interview with T.D. Barnes.
T.D., thank you so much for having me.
You're welcome.
While you were in Area 51 did you experience anything
out of the ordinary?
We were what was out of the ordinary there.
We built a plane back then with fly drills
that's still the fastest high flying plane ever built.
It was a UFO?
- It was. - Interesting.
We called it no one knew we had it.
And it flew 90,000 feet.
It flew fast intervals.
And no one knew that, had any idea that anyone
had a plane that fast and that you could fly it that high.
We flew 28,050 Sordies out of Area 51.
But this is a plane occasional right, Bjorn, just right.
It was a UFO.
BJORN: Made by aliens?
No, we built it, we made it.
(LAUGHING)
We all take the credit for it.
Alright, T.D., now I'd like to present
some of my Area 51 theories to you.
Okay.
It is my belief that
Area 51 is a government project
that exists only to study
alien technology and reverse engineer it.
On top of that,
it's an alien
morgue.
They study alien bodies,
they take their DNA
and they mix it
with rats
to see
what happens.
Then,
they kill them,
the rats.
The rats.
Reactions?
We've heard a lot of stories.
- People. - Similar to that?
- Similar to your theories. - Sure.
You know, it is a place to test flight.
There's nothing underground,
it's all
oriented towards
flight technology.
Flying
alien technology.
Well I won't say alien for that,
I've never seen an alien in this life.
But it could happen in Area 51.
You still would not be able to see the fetus,
you'll be in a bad place to do it because you got,
for example when...
I was at a diner earlier today and
the server mentioned that she saw something
funny in the sky
so people are talking.
And they do see something.
Alien?
They do see something but it's not alien.
We have found some stuff out there that looks
so out of this world.
You could have other worldly shapes.
You can even have a saucer.
These shapes that man could not even dream of?
Well we've dreamed em' up.
We've actually tried saucer technology.
It was very unstable.
BJORN: It needs that alien touch to fly.
It would.
I just got the inside scoop on Area 51
but my research cannot stop here.
I am this close to uncovering
a huge alien conspiracy happening right here
in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Hey Bjorn, tell the camera's to fuck themselves
'cause I don't wanna look at em' right now, I'm too hot.
Brian can you get a close up on his tan line?
Yeah there's no tan line.
What'd you think of T.D.?
Was it usable?
BRITNEY: It was cool but,
he didn't think it was real.
Aliens?
BRITNEY: I don't know, what'd you think?
Yeah I think it might be unusable.
BRITNEY: I'd like to know, I don't know.
Oh man the sun.
JAMIE: Hey, before everyone goes tonight,
remember we need to get some of those street interviews.
NARRATOR: The water cycle of the earth
is a constant dance.
A pull and push, an exchange of energy.
BJORN: I don't understand it.
JAMIE: I don't get this show.
He just keeps talking and talking.
- It's boring. - Yeah I think so.
There's just no mystery in it.
Look, it says water.
He's saying water.
BJORN: Werter.
JAMIE: Werter.
The world's made out of werter.
BROCK: Werter.
JAMIE: Werter.
BROCK: Cold werter.
JAMIE: You guys wanna go to the werter park?
BROCK: Jamie, why are you watching this?
JAMIE: He has seven doctorates.
BRITNEY: Do you think she likes him?
BROCK: She likes him.
- She loves him. - He's like the next
Carl Sagan.
BRITNEY: Do you love him, Jamie?
BROCK: Who's Carl Sagan?
BRITNEY: Little Doctor Werter.
Seven doctorates in werter.
BJORN: I have a doctorate of werter.
JAMIE: Oh water skiing.
Since the dawn of civilization,
humans have been dealing with these changes
as they naturally occurred.
The ancient peoples of Mesopotamia in this valley in Egypt
developed systems of agriculture and engineering
to supply their regions with fresh water
and fertile soil.
I'm actually standing in ancient Egypt right now.
This is what this region looks like today.
Ficals of drought have left this area of the world
an arid desert.
Without fresh water preserves,
modern Egyptians would not be able to survive
in such a harsh climate.
In the past few decades all around the world
the temperature has been going up.
JAMIE: None of the hottest is it?
BROCK: What are you drinking?
JAMIE: I don't know.
Werter. (LAUGHING)
And we're beginning to see the consequences
of wasting the one thing most essential to our survival.
Water.
JAMIE: And,
action!
Bjorn.
Hi, Rizza.
It's so nice to meet you.
Rizza,
now as a lifelong resident in Las Vegas
surely you've heard of
- some of the Area 51. - Yes.
Yes.
Have you yourself visited the site?
No I have not.
I heard it's very,
people are very strict down there,
they can't even let you go anywhere near so.
Do you fear that
the life forms that are
habituating in Area 51 might be spill over to the city?
You know what?
Whatever they're doing down there.
- God knows what it is. - Rizza, it's a simple
yes or no, was Las Vegas built on alien gold?
I wouldn't say that.
Look at the spoils of riches in this city.
Would you not argue that
it's far too much for man?
It's beautiful.
Other worldly beautiful?
Yes.
I think we've come a little bit closer
to finding the truth.
Alright.
PRODUCER: Alright and,
action.
Bjorn.
- Scott, nice to meet you. - Scott, nice to meet you.
Do you have any
explanations as to why there's so much
strangeness in this area?
I think people you know this day in age,
they need something out the norm to get
out their hundrome lifestyles, you know?
Now I don't wanna put words in your mouth but,
do you think the helicopters that are constantly
circling the city are trying to communicate
with another life form?
You know that's, I don't know, that's interesting.
They could be, they could be looking for life forms.
I personally believe in aliens,
I think it's
ignorant to not think there could be other
you know, intelligent life form out there.
So, I mean if there was anything out here,
I would not surprise to be honest with you, you know?
I agree.
There you have it, one step closer.
We'll be back on Alien Engineers.
I'm putting on the spy glasses.
It's gonna be like that show.
What was that show?
Not Home Improvement.
I'm going deep undercover.
BRITTNEY: Gross.
Could this be
an alien?
She sure looks like one.
Half computer,
half
beautiful other worldly woman.
We're getting closer.
Where's Bjorn and Britney?
These things are really good.
Could this be evidence of an alien?
This man here?
Sure looks like I'm an innocent alien.
MAN: Dang, are you seeing this?
Oh shit.
BJORN: Oh my god, she just shape shifted.
She shape shifted.
Oh she's another alien lady now.
Hey look at this.
It's like a space ship.
Bright lights.
Shiny bulbs.
Aliens.
Oh it's jamming it.
Oh that's an alien term?
What is that?
We gotta go.
JAMIE: We gotta go, come on, come on.
We gotta go, let's go.
(GRIM MUSIC)
JAMIE: We're being chased 'cause we're inches
from the truth.
Give me your camera.
Right now, right now!
I am so sorry.
I have no idea what they were doing in there
but whatever it is, I'm sorry and it's my responsibility
and I apologize.
I'm a line producer on a mystery channel show,
it's called Alien Engineers.
MAN: I'm sorry, so you said Alien Engineers?
Yeah.
Very sorry to interrupt your shoot,
we will not be bothering you again, best of luck.
Hey everyone, it's Britney Big Time and Bjorn,
we're here in Las Vegas, Nevada.
We're filming today
and Bjorn has something to say you to guys.
No I don't.
He does.
Go to bed.
Oh god.
Well, it's been a pretty crazy day.
Bjorn got a tan and
I saw a couple famous athletes,
some really cool ones so that was cool.
Who did you see?
I saw all those guys at the pepper mill.
Who?
Peyton Manning.
You saw Peyton Manning today?
Uh huh.
Okay, well this is just gonna be a quick one tonight
'cause we're pretty tired from shooting but.
What sport does he play?
Football.
Idiot.
- Okay, ready. - Getting any athletes?
Ready.
One, two, three.
♪ Vegas, Vegas
♪ Kiss from above
♪ Vegas, Vegas
♪ A white velvet glove
Could you please just sing something?
I'm running out of material.
No one's gonna watch this.
Okay.
Okay well check out,
check out my blog, we'll be posting some more photos
of the trip and Bjorn is gonna
tell you something right before we go to bed.
BROCK: You awake?
No.
I'm sleeping.
Drawing a penis
on Brian's stupid face.
Take one.
(GRIM MUSIC)
- Alright. - Alright.
Yeah we're rolling.
I'm here in the car to go to a giant fucking dam.
Giant fucking dam.
Brian's a giant fucking dam.
I know what a dam is.
BRIAN: What's a dam?
It was once a river and now it is a lake.
Brian thinks that we're going to see
a giant dental dam and he can't wait 'cause he's never.
BRIAN: I've never seen a dental damn before.
I honestly haven't either but.
It's a
prophylactic sheet of latex or something that's not latex.
Oh it's prophylactic sheet, you guys.
BRIAN: I don't know what this.
BROCK: Jamie, yeah, what the hell is that?
Well let me tell you how I use it on Brit.
I put a piece of rubber
on each tooth and I go nuts.
BRITNEY: Giant fucking dam.
Giant fucking dam!
I'm on my way to the Hoover Dam,
one of the most incredible structures
in the western world.
I've gotta ask a question,
is this structure a product
of alien engineers?
BRIAN: Is it?
BRITNEY: Look at how much water that is that isn't there.
- Whoa. - Wow.
It's so
big, I don't know, I guess I thought it was
gonna be a lot smaller.
BJORN: Can you imagine working on this?
BRITNEY: Wow.
BJORN: Alien rock.
BRITNEY: Brian, is this where your mom was born?
I'm standing in front of the winged guardians
of the republic atop of the great Hoover Dam.
I'm gonna talk with two experts nearby
to get to the bottom of this and uncover the truth.
NARRATOR: The timing for creating the celestial chart,
according to the artist
was that he believed that someday, somehow
future civilizations would find their way here.
Do you think that it's possible,
thousands of men and women
made this alone?
Or could they have had help from something above?
I mean all the clues are here.
The winged sculptures.
The celestial writings.
ERIKA: Like aliens?
- Like aliens. - Supplying beams.
It's conclusive then,
aliens have had some effect on this dam being built.
Erika agrees.
I what?
That's right.
NARRATOR: To assist these future visitors,
the sculpture also created a celestial watch
or wheel of time.
The yellow arch on the floor is actually a complete circle
showing 26,000 earth years
or one great year.
Or a platonic year in astronomy terms.
Hoover Dam, interview two, camera one and take one.
It's a giant concrete thing, man made.
Trying to control nature.
Trying to control
- nature. - Yes.
Who would try to control nature?
Man.
Could man have had help?
- Such as? - From another world.
Think about the winged statues in the front.
A signal to the sky gods.
They look like angels.
God-like aliens.
Alisha on Alien Engineers.
Thank you, Alisha.
Oh you're welcome, glad I could help.
Do you wanna check out the gift shop?
Sure.
Great.
Visiting the Hoover Dam was a strange
and incredible experience.
I am more and more convinced
that we are near an epicenter of alien activity.
In fact, my information tells me that strange phenomena
is happening just north of Hoover Dam in Lake Mead.
I think that's a wrap on Vegas
and I think it's time to have fun.
Brian, will you accompany me?
You ever seen Cocktail?
You ever seen it?
Who am I right now? Tom Cruise.
Look at this, look at this.
Tom Cruise.
Put a little milk in there.
Just a little.
(GROANING)
That's good.
One for you.
BROCK: What is this?
BJORN: Alien cum.
Wait, wait, wait.
BRITNEY: I name it.
BJORN: Wait, wait.
Just enjoy the milk.
This is disgusting.
BJORN: It's an acquired taste.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Yum, yum, yum.
It's actually pretty good.
Hey, I kinda like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
BJORN: Ready for number two?
Let's go for loli.
What about Brian? Brian?
- Which one, this one. - Brian.
JAMIE: Brian we gotta go.
- Okay. - Brian.
Did you just call her mom?
The whole world lies under the swear of the wicked one.
So who's the wicked one
of this age, his name is Satan, the devil.
He's the author of confusion and deception.
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
It's an alien.
It's good.
It's mild.
Last night in Vegas.
- Last night in Vegas. - Great.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Their fountain dried up.
It's time for Lake Mead.
Yeah.
BRIAN: Bjorn!
BRITNEY: Bjorn it's the one with the twins.
BRIAN: It's the episode with the twins.
Largest city.
We're here investigating the marshland.
Millions of years ago Chicago was one
big wet land.
But,
tons and tons of concrete now occupy
what was once watery mud.
Were the ancient astronauts involved?
Quite possibly.
Did the ancient astronauts
plant tracking devices?
Likely.
Didn't he get rug burn in that episode?
He did.
Yeah.
BRITTNEY: Oh my god it's so good.
It is well documented that when the grey's
are present around you, you will feel a surge of electricity
and you'll have goosebumps
and it's very well documented that their presence
will do that in humans.
Alright.
BRITTNEY: Okay I'll turn it on.
Be ready at 10:30.
10:30.
BRIAN: Hey Bjorn, Bjorn you take a pup?
When we had dental work done,
we were getting messages from aliens.
Based on some of the research that my sister has done,
the implants, in our case, dental implants
are a very common way for aliens to track people.
And it got to the point now
we started after that experience, I was actually afraid
to talk to Tracy about it.
I know, I'm sorry here hold this for a minute.
I think I can get through it.
We get very bad feedback,
it's quite common to get feedback.
- Bye Jamie, bye. - Bye Jamie.
BRITNEY: I'll see you, have fun with Sigon.
I know that its
hit me since I've been here.
Do you have a sense that someone's tracking you?
No.
You don't,
you don't get that?
No.
Interesting.
I'm getting tracked because I'm looking at my phone
that I'm using for GPS.
Quite possibly that phone
was planted there by ancient astronauts.
Could it be that the ancient astronauts
have found a way to block
the signals of tracking
so that
they still track you but
you feel nothing?
- Kendal. - Yeah?
Do you feel like you're being tracked?
No.
Do you feel like someone
is watching you?
No.
- Let me rephrase. - Okay.
Do you feel as though someone is tracking you?
JAMIE: Brian what are you doing?
BRIAN: What, nothing.
BJORN: I thought I knew the secrets of the slots.
- Don't ask. - Don't ask.
Who is your big musical influence?
SRB?
Who?
Stevie Ray Barn.
I don't know who that is.
He's very nimble on the finger board.
BROCK: Is he like Santana?
I think so yeah except he plays in more
like keys or something.
BRITNEY: I bought a cool swimsuit from China.
BJORN: I got a Chinese swimsuit too
but it feels European.
I feel like if we spent maybe an hour longer with T.D.
he would've welled us something.
But I had a nice report with him.
BROCK: I thought you guys got along.
- I thought we did too. - It was great.
I felt a connection.
Bjorn and I made up this rap song.
BRIAN: Oh we gotta hear it.
♪ I've gotta dick man with us
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I got two. - Wait, wait.
- Okay what's the first? - I got two.
A tit in my hand, a dick in.
♪ Two dicks in my hand and a dick up my butt
♪ You come in the front
♪ I come in the front
♪ It's fuck time in fuck town
We haven't done it in awhile.
Wait no wait.
BROCK: Wait how does it start I like this.
♪ Two dicks in my hand and a dick up my butt
There's another butt rhyme.
Well yeah 'cause they keep saying a dick in my butt.
You come in the front.
Oh yeah.
♪ You come in the front
- I come in... - No wait, I come in the front
- you come in my butt. - Come in my butt.
Okay let's start from the start
in the beginning.
Okay.
♪ Two tits in my hand and a dick up my butt
♪ I come in the front
♪ You come in my butt
- No that's not right. - Yeah it is.
There was something about like.
♪ I've got one fist in the air and a dick up my butt
No, no, no, not a dick up my butt.
A fist in the air,
fist up your butt.
Oh yeah, yeah.
♪ Got one fist in the air and one fist up your butt
♪ I come in the front
♪ You come in my butt
The logic, is that logic?
No, that's very logical.
Let's start it from the beginning and try
to muscle our way through it.
What if we start in the middle and work through
to the beginning?
♪ Two tits in my hand and a dick up my butt
I come, see I come in the front is revealed when
he's being jacked off.
Someone, does someone come around the corner,
so as to scream what the fuck?
No I don't think so.
♪ Two tits in my hand and a dick up my butt
♪ One fist in the air, your dicks in my butt
♪ I come in the front
We should've written this down.
♪ You come in my butt
♪ It's fuck time in fuck town.
Was that it?
There's four, oh my gosh.
BRIAN: Thanks, we're finally here.
BRITNEY: That's exactly right.
PATROL: Somebody actually meant to come to see us?
That's awesome.
I feel like if you're gonna do two different women
you go with outside the breasts
and you let the inside breast hang
and then go tongue
to each nipple alternating.
What about this,
two of the outside tits of two separate women in my hand.
Too long, too long.
No, no, no.
♪ One fist in the air
♪ One fist up your butt
♪ I come in the front
♪ You come in my butt
Maybe the fist was in his own butt.
It's for sure big sexy ass and then butt is the second one
and then it repeats butt over and over.
And that's the twist.
I remember visualizing, it's an A-B-A-B rhyme,
it all rhymes to B it's always fine.
That's the twist and that's why the song is successful
is because you think they're gonna
hammer on ass and then it quickly turns to butt
and that's the surprise.
BRITNEY: Then you're telling a different story then
we told the first time because it always butt.
Maybe I'm evolving.
- Two dicks. - No but there's another one.
'Cause that's the second part, it's,
I'm a hot motherfucker with a big sexy butt.
I think it's big sexy ass.
♪ Two tits in my hand and a dick up my butt
♪ You nut in the front
I know, okay I got it.
You're gonna make me throw up with
your intensity with this.
BJORN: Anchor Bella, just go.
♪ I'm a hot motherfucker with a big sexy butt
♪ Two tits in my hand and a dick up my butt
♪ One fist in the air with one fist up your butt
♪ I nut in the front
♪ You nut in my butt
♪ Its fuck time in fuck town
♪ It's fuck time in fuck town
That's what it is.
That's the right order.
- Drop the mic. - That was tight.
Drop the mic.
I dropped a mic once for a fact and it broke it.
I both love and hate imagining you
doing that for your parents, like a dinner.
I did it for my parents at one dinner.
Mommy and Daddy, I have a little something.
I'm a rapper now.
I worked on this after girl scouts.
I just wanted to be a cool lady rapper.
People are encouraged to yell it at the
top of their lungs.
BROCK: I feel it's pretty inclusive.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
BRIAN: We just hit a tumbleweed.
- Cool. - My bad.
Now we're seeing some shit.
BRITNEY: Our Elmonds.
MAN: Guys,
thank you so much.
This is Lake Mead.
Our crew is about to board the boat and explore this
mysterious
place.
BRITNEY: Do you smell that?
I think I just farted.
I have received over a dozen reports
of people seeing bright lights under the clear
waters of Lake Mead.
I believe what people are seeing as actually
alien submarines
that are no longer hidden because the water level
is too low to hide them.
(GROANING)
Here's the hall way
and the deck is incredible.
Has a lot of exciting features.
BRIAN: Do you not see this?
They've just been circling around for awhile now.
It's pretty weird.
(CHEERING)
Brock, you're an idiot.
We're having a good time.
Right?
BRIAN: Jamie, bring two of the life vests and wear
em' like a diaper.
JAMIE: Alright, alright, alright, okay I'm coming in.
BRIAN: Oh I love this diaper.
Fun floaty diapers.
BROCK: How you feelin'?
BJORN: My asshole.
BRIAN: Turn on the light guys.
Alright.
And now it's bright.
So tomorrow is our big interview with Elsa.
She has been living in a tent on the lake
for about six months now which says is for research
but I don't know.
Eh, that's sounds super weird.
BRITNEY: Just a little.
JAMIE: And pretty famous.
BJORN: I'm hungry.
We should see if Brian can throw us a pizza.
BROCK: Brian, throw us a pizza!
ALL: Pizza!
Pizza!
- Shut up. - Location devices!
- I hate you guys. - Brian, I want pizza.
Is Brian up there?
I can't even see his light.
Welcome to Bjorn's kitchen.
Tonight,
two incredible contestants, both women.
Can they make my mystery ingredient
into something great?
Let's find out right now.
Contestant number one,
hailing from St. Louis, Missouri,
Jamie Mackie.
Hello I'm Jamie Mackie, I'm from St. Louis
and I'm really excited to be here.
Contestant number two on Bjorn's kitchen,
Brittney Big Time.
Woo!
I'm Britney Big Time and I'm here
to smoke the competition or fry it.
Contestants,
your mystery ingredient is,
the hot dog.
Contestants,
your five minutes begins,
now.
Interesting, Britney Big Time immediately goes for her beer.
Britney Big Time, I see you're using a lot of pans
in your cooking, what do you have?
I'm going for a little bit amuse busha,
just wanna give the judges something to remember,
something to taste, something to lick around the tongue,
I'm gonna fun then I'm gonna go kind of upper class
and we're just gonna see what happens, Chef.
BJORN: Is that a chicken nugget?
It's a chicken nugget, Chef.
And I see you
have cut it in a similar way as the hot dog.
JAMIE: Absolutely, I'm really going with
the diagonal lines.
I'm not sure of the pumpkin strip.
Is there
enough salt on the pepperoni?
Oh that's such a good idea.
Chefs, we have
three minutes remaining.
- Three minutes remaining. - Thank you, Chef.
There are essentially croutons
around the side.
Interesting, croutons like at Olive Garden.
Chefs, a quick reminder, please make a dish
that you would eat yourself.
Are you losing focus on your,
your main dish?
The only thing I'm focused on
is the gold
- and you. - Please don't point
the knife at me.
This is
a battle of styles tonight.
Who knows who will come out on top.
This is where,
this is where you like watching Jamie work,
she is a perfectionist
and it is very interesting to see her put this
finishing touch on her plate.
Chef Jamie.
You're up first.
Well what I was thinking about for this dish
was, I wanted to provide clean, simple lines,
a nice diagonal plufang,
one of the things is I cut most of the way
through the hot dog but not all the way.
BJORN: I hope it tastes as good as it looks.
JAMIE: Thank you very much, Chef.
BJORN: Brock, would you like to dig in
to the hot dog first?
BROCK: There's none or just make it?
BRITNEY: Feed it to him.
- Yeah? - I might.
BJORN: You don't have to keep your eyes closed.
BRITNEY: Is it good?
BJORN: Okay I cut,
I cut right into the honey crevice in the honey ram,
that is a good sign.
BRITNEY: Hey Bjorn can I see your honey crevice later?
The crunch of the nugget
really contrasts the soft, dampness of the hot dog.
Dish number two.
These are some salted ham medallions
with some aged cheese.
Peppered with some habanero sauce
and a side salad to care.
Can I just also say that there's a drink pairing with it.
BJORN: Do you want me to feed this one to you?
BROCK: I really do and I'll keep my eyes open this time.
Okay.
Food is as much taste as it is eyes.
3D.
(LAUGHING)
The Bjorn kitchen
with the one utensil.
That is a lot of mustard for not a lot of carrot.
(LAUGHING)
It's not pairing
to start out with but the balance is just not quite there.
I need to wash that down.
Jamie, contestant number one,
turned out an incredibly precise,
very sweet, very interesting take on the hot dog.
Thank you, Chef.
Contestant number two, Britney Big Time
turned out something that
is best forgotten about.
It was,
heavy with flavor
and really just.
JAMIE: Okay, are all the lights out?
Yep all the lights are out.
Okay, where's the breaker?
BRITNEY: Shoot, does this mean the AC's gonna go out?
- Brian? - Yeah?
JAMIE: Do you know where the breaker is?
BRIAN: I have no idea.
Brock, do you know where the lights are?
- Alright. - I don't know.
Wait, yeah, let's find the LED's.
BRIAN: Yeah.
They're around here somewhere I thought.
BROCK: I think they're under.
(LOUD BANGING)
JAMIE: Hey, um hi.
MAN: Security.
JAMIE: Security?
MAN: Lake security.
JAMIE: Great.
Great.
MAN: I'm coming in.
JAMIE: Okay, you're coming in, hi.
Hi, how can we help you?
MAN: We were just patrolling the area,
we saw that your guys power was out.
We thought we might just come check in on you.
Great, thank you.
Thank you, we'll know for next time.
What's with all the film equipment?
JAMIE: We work on a television show, Alien Engineers.
We have the paperwork.
I thought we were cleared to film here,
is that not the case?
You're here to see Elsa Moulton.
JAMIE: Yes.
Yes.
How do you plan on getting there 'cause she's at least
eight hours out.
In this boat at least.
Oh.
GUARD: Not to mention the parameter of the guess.
Okay.
GUARD: Sounds like you need to get a new boat.
JAMIE: Well we're suppose to be there by 2PM.
We'll pick you up at one.
Our pontoon will get you there in less than an hour.
JAMIE: Uh okay.
That scared the shit out of me.
Well evidently we get a ride, did you get all that?
BROCK: I think I got all of it.
You guys, they came like one second
after the lights went off,
they were already obviously.
JAMIE: Watching us.
Even I felt.
I wanted to stab him, I was so freaked out.
I never killed anyone.
I haven't.
I saw you with that knife and I was like,
I feel like you would.
BJORN: That I would've done it?
I couldn't really done it, I was so scared.
BROCK: Wait are they still out there?
BRITNEY: No, they're gone.
You locked the door, right?
I locked the door.
JAMIE: Cool, alright well we gotta ride.
BJORN: And the winner is.
Jamie.
BROCK: Hell yeah.
BJORN: She is the first winner
of Bjorn's kitchen.
Cheers.
Hey Tim, it's Britney Big Time and Bjorn
and we just wanted to wish you a happy birthday,
I'm sorry we can't be there.
We're in
Nevada on Lake Mead, it's really beautiful,
wish you'd retire 'cause it's like hot as fuck and we
are working on
all this stuff for work but
I hope you're having a really fun time tonight,
we really miss you.
Bjorn?
Mhm.
Bjorn say something to my brother.
Good luck, Tim.
It's his birthday.
- Happy birthday, Tim. - Happy birthday, Tim.
I hope you have a really fun time and
I hope Susan brought you something real nice.
We have a shit ton of red wines here,
I think you would larve it.
God it's so beautiful, it's like super dark here.
So that's fun.
(GRIM MUSIC)
Bjorn's gonna hate this.
(HISSING)
What are you doing?
BRITNEY: I'm a sexy alien snake.
BJORN: What are you doing?
BRITNEY: I'm a sexy alien snake.
BJORN: This is too much too soon.
BRITNEY: Come on, wake up.
BJORN: No I just, I'm just waking up.
BRITNEY: Fun, sexy alien snake to another,
let me just see if I can firm him.
Firm my little,
little,
snake friend.
Oh the Illuminati, that's sexy.
BJORN: I have to pee.
I have to pee.
Put it where the brown stuff goes, Bjorn.
Get in here with your sexy,
snake, oh god!
You are getting so strong.
Put it in my butt.
You're getting too strong for me.
Get that, hone that sexy snake in the brown mother ship.
How long has that been going on for?
BROCK: I think it just started.
BJORN: Please let me be.
BRITNEY: No I just wanna be a sexy snake.
Okay, but let me pee first.
Ow you are strong.
Why are you picking me up?
What the hell?
What is this?
Ow.
Oh my god.
Smile, you're on candid Britney Camera.
Come on smile for candid Britney camera.
BJORN: My neck, this is choking me.
Smile for the camera.
You can't
heal my nuts.
BRITNEY: This is nice.
It can't be posted.
It's definitely for.
- It can't be posted. - For her vlog or whatever.
- It can't be posted. - Does she do this
as a live stream?
I got him.
He's been punked.
No.
I gotta go pee.
That's ridiculous, stop.
Nailed it.
BROCK: You alright?
No.
BROCK: What happened in there?
She woke me up by putting me in a choke hold.
Are we gonna have lunch on the boat
or do we have to
bring it ourselves?
BROCK: Hey guys, ride's here.
Do we got the boom pole?
BROCK: Boom pole's on there.
Okay, cool.
What about these
bright lights under the water?
I haven't heard anything about those.
Can I ask you a question about Elsa?
We've known each other for awhile.
BJORN: You dated?
GUARD: No personal questions.
You just are using, you're not using the term dating.
So you're being around women and having sex with them?
I'm sorry, or men.
I'm on my way to the remote location
of expert alien researcher, Elsa Moulton.
She's been living here for the past six months
detailing the mysterious lights underneath
the waters of Lake Mead.
What I wanna know,
are these lights a natural phenomenon?
Or are they evidence of alien technology?
Do you think she believes what she says?
Okay.
Alright.
BROCK: Is this her?
- This is it. - This is her.
And you can verify that she's been out here six months?
Okay.
Hey guys let's get the b-roll of this.
Elsa?
Come on let's go.
BROCK: Hold on she's out.
JAMIE: Thank you for letting the crew
agreeing to meet us.
We're expecting so much for coming out here.
Absolutely, our pleasure.
Elsa Moulton interview, take four.
I'm Bjorn Eriksson with alien expert,
Elsa Moulton.
Elsa, thank you so much for being on the show,
it is an honor to have you on Alien Engineers.
Well thank you very much for having me, Bjorn.
Elsa, we're here on Lake Mead,
just miles from Area 51.
The epicenter of alien activity.
Could you tell us
what you've encountered while living here?
For the last six months I've been studying
the water here at Lake Mead.
And I can tell you what I have seen
is not human.
It's not natural.
It's definitely extraterrestrial.
Elsa,
I am floored with this realization,
can you describe what's happening out there?
You have watched the water carefully as I have,
you'll see a bright light traveling quickly under the water,
there's a tremendous surge of electricity
that is sucking up everything from around it like a vortex.
In addition, the sound in the area
is completely quiet, there is no sound because
of this alien whatever
underneath that surface of that water.
Elsa, we are happy to share this information
with the world here on Alien Engineers.
Yes because when I was working in Phoenix, Arizona
as a reporter, I wanted to present everything
I'd found, everything my engineering researcher had found
about all the electrical activity.
Yes.
To the world as far as a news report.
And they fired me.
So I decided I would make it my mission.
There must be other reports out there,
from the police, from the military,
I am going to tell the world,
send in the information.
Everyone needs to know.
I am on board with you.
Elsa, my producers have told me that you have
this information that
it is a CIA document,
is this correct?
Yes, in fact do you see that man on the boat?
- BJORN: That man. - He is CIA.
- Elsa? - I got something for you.
This is it.
Classified, you gotta get a closeup of this.
With every page I flip, I become more and more convinced
that this is in fact the product
of extraterrestrial activity.
JAMIE: Elsa?
Elsa?
BROCK: Did she just?
- Alright, that's a wrap. - Are we done?
Excuse me?
Yeah?
Elsa said that you worked for the CIA, is that true?
Elsa says a lot of things.
Yeah but is that one real?
GUARD: No.
You totally look like you do.
Lake security.
So like that's,
that's it?
She was nuts but she was like,
she gave us all these.
She said that they're
from the CIA and
they look real.
Do you think they're real?
GUARD: She didn't get em' from me, that's all I know.
Like you don't have any idea?
GUARD: Not a clue.
JAMIE: Thank you again so much for all your help today.
I just wanted to ask you to sign this release form.
There's a chance that there might be...
Yep, alright.
JAMIE: Okay.
BJORN: Guys, get in here.
JAMIE: What's up Bjorn?
Someone Messed With our stuff.
You gotta see this.
JAMIE: Is it gone?
BJORN: No our stuff is still here just
come and look at this.
JAMIE: Our gear seems to be fine.
Okay somebody needs to check and see if someone
is still here.
I guess that's me.
Shot?
JAMIE: Nope.
Come with.
BROCK: I mean that's kinda funny, right?
BRIAN: Who would do this?
BROCK: I don't know, any kid.
BRIAN: Yeah we did leave the boat unlocked.
Yeah we left this unlocked.
We kinda had this coming.
They could've done a lot worse, they didn't steal anything.
Right?
So it's someone who had it,
okay we need to call security.
I think we need to call someone.
BRIAN: Why would you wanna call security?
- Not a chance. - Why would you not
wanna call security?
BRIAN: Don't you remember earlier?
When they decided just to come in off the boat.
JAMIE: I mean yes that was really inappropriate
but I don't know what our options are,
I don't think we have cops out here.
- It's so creepy. - There was a break in
and we need to report it.
BRIAN: I will do it.
JAMIE: For insurance if nothing else.
Think the people at Alien Engineers
are gonna like it if we don't have a police report?
BRITNEY: Bjorn it's just one of those kids.
BROCK: Actually guys,
this is a good segment right?
While I was away having an incredible,
potentially peabody award winning interview
with Elsa Moulton,
we had a close encounter.
All of our belongings rearranged throughout the cabin
in a highly specific,
highly ordered fashion.
We have three structures,
all three, pointing directly to the sky.
Potentially signalling a higher power.
If that isn't confirmation
of extraterrestrial life,
then I don't know what is.
This is legitimately weird stuff.
BROCK: This is not a scripted.
BJORN: This one, very falic.
This one a homage to college life.
And this,
this is like,
definitely the most thought out.
The grand finale.
BROCK: Brian, whatcha doin' back there?
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Setting up the screen.
BJORN: There?
Where would you put it?
I mean I would put it closer to the door.
I feel like you're getting most of the room.
The Catholic church in Rome has books
that talk about extraterrestrials.
All the, all the kings and queens
and high up officials went to the extraterrestrials
for knowledge and understanding.
The frequencies that make the microwave
to make the food cook.
That's all alien technology.
The GPS the extraterrestrials use to GPS
to go to different stars and maps in the galaxy.
That was originally from the extraterrestrials.
The United States and Europe used to never
have red heads and blondes
until the palatian's breeded with us.
Making lord quality transfers.
This is probably a higher economy transfer.
You're shooting this?
BRITNEY: I can take like a selfie of the video you have.
JAMIE: I think we might be evil.
And helicopters and the black helicopters
if they see you fly out there close to,
they will arrest you
or the police will make you go away from it.
We perpetuate false information on a massive scale.
And people believe it.
Paul Benowits.
BJORN: Who's that?
Paul Benowits,
was an engineer
who saw
some experimental military
training.
And he asked the air force about it
and they lied and told him that it was
aliens.
And he believed it
and he ended up alone in a mental institution.
Because of aliens.
Yeah that sucks.
You guys seen Major League?
BROCK: Wait is that the one with the guy with a
super fast pitch?
No I think that was Rookie of the Year.
BROCK: No like where it's Charlie Sheen.
Super fast pitch like he's a wild man.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you see Rookie of the Year?
He breaks his arm and he.
BRIAN: I like Angels in the Outfield better.
(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)
BJORN: What is that?
JAMIE: Wait.
Please don't go out there, the water's back in.
Brock.
Jesus.
BRITNEY: Brock, be careful.
(SCREAMING)
BROCK: Ow, fuck!
Fuck!
(EERIE MUSIC)
(PANICKED CHATTERING)
JAMIE: Outside house phone from home.
Please send help at Hellsmo Bay Marina, please come in.
Mayday distress.
This is Hellsmo Bay Marina.
This is Hellsmo Marina.
This is Hellsmo Bay Marina.
Shit, keep his head up.
- I can't. - Keep his head up!
BRIAN: Where's the light?
(BEEPING)
Come on, come on.
(BEEPING)
Come on.
Shit, shit.
BRITNEY: Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
(PANICKED CHATTER)
Brock you're gonna be okay.
(VOMITING)
JAMIE: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Brian?
Okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay.
(GRIM MUSIC)
Hey guys.
I think he's
better, I mean he's a lot better.
He asked for a beer.
I mean he looks,
he looks a lot better.
I think he just needs to sleep, he just,
said he wants sleep so.
We'll check on him every few minutes, come on up.
Sorry.
I think we should
really try to do that thing where we say something
nice about the person to our left.
I just think it'll make us feel better,
everyone looks really serious.
BRIAN: Bjorn.
What are we doing?
You said the person on your left?
BRIAN: Yeah.
I thought you said the people we had left.
- No. - No.
Oh my god.
BRIAN: Even though you're frustrating,
you really know how to have a good time.
Aw.
Thanks, Brian.
Britney is
a lot of fun.
Very spunky.
Jamie,
I feel like,
honestly we'd probably all be dead
and Bjorn
or Brock would definitely be dead if it wasn't for you.
JAMIE: You better go check on him.
Alright.
JAMIE: Bring him a beer.
BJORN: Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
What the hell is this?
I have a knife and I'm coming out there.
Get off our deck!
(GROANING)
BROCK: What the fuck?
What the fuck was that noise?
Bjorn?
(SHOUTING)
(METAL CREAKING)
(SCREAMING)
JAMIE: Oh my god, oh my god.
Leave us alone!
BRIAN: Shit.
What are they doing here?
Fuck.
Shit.
There's blood everywhere.
Oh my.
BRITNEY: Oh my god.
BRIAN: Oh my god.
JAMIE: Mic, mic.
Bjorn!
(SOBBING)
Bjorn!
We need to go.
I've got Brock.
Brian!
Bjorn!
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
JAMIE: Bjorn, are you okay?
Let's go.
No.
Let's go.
BRIAN: Fuck.
Is everybody okay back there?
BRITNEY: Let's just go, let's just go.
BRIAN: Let's just get out of here.
You forgot these.
- Jamie just go, just go. - Get out of here,
get out of here, get out of here.
JAMIE: These are our cameras.
Wait what the fuck were they doing with our cameras?
(GRIM MUSIC)
My name is Andrzej Stratos.
Expert researcher on extraterrestrial phenomena.
For years I've studied, collected and analyzed evidence
of alien activity.
Some of you might be wondering what happened
to Bjorn Eriksson.
And I would like to answer
that question for all of you.
Bjorn Eriksson and the crew of Alien Engineers
experienced close encounters of the third,
first and second kinds.
These events were so strange and so terrifying that
no human
could possibly explain them.
The footage they captured is definitive proof
of Alien Engineers in southern Nevada.
Where their journey ends,
mine
begins.
Tune in next Tuesday for the world premiere of
The Quest for Aliens.
Hosted by yours truly,
Andzej Stratos.
(UPBEAT RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
♪ I'm a hot motherfucker with a big sexy butt
♪ Two tits in my hand and a dick up my butt
♪ One fist in the air
♪ One fist up my butt
♪ I nut in the front
♪ You nut in my butt
♪ It's fuck time in fuck town
♪ fuck time in fuck town
♪ We're gonna keep it a secret
♪ Do you know what time it is tonight?
♪ It's fuck time in fuck town
♪ Fuckin in fuck town
♪ We're gonna keep it a secret
♪ Motherfucker with a big sexy butt
♪ Two tits in my hand and a dick up my butt
♪ One fist in the air
♪ One fist up my butt
♪ I nut in the front
♪ You nut in my butt
♪ It's fuck time
Well we always had a cover story,
but that's where we got in trouble,
a lot of time we'd have a you know, a sighting,
they'd see us.
People would start investigating us
and they would start getting too close to finding out that
there's a secret project.
So someone would approach and say that this
is a top secret project,
you'd go for and up, make up a story and go home.
And that's what they do, they make up a story
and a lot of didn't
stick you know, you could see right through it
and that didn't help if it matters any.
People see well that,
they got lying to me.
And he was.
Wait so were any of these stories actually
like alien stories or was it always like
putting blame on like a different part of the government or?
You know the alien thing, I think it got out of,
out of whack.
Subtitles by explosiveskull